I have done nothing more than post and respond to most comments these past three days. I am so sorry. If you desire an explanation, I will give it to you, otherwise I'd rather just keep it to myself. Unless there is something important that you feel I have missed, I am not even going to try and catch up. There are over 9 pages on my subs list... I don't know where to start. PLEASE message me the link to your post if it's something you would appreciate me reading, or just want me to see, even if it's nothing ground breaking or headline-news-worthy, I will read it. 

She can feel the pressure rising in her throat. The smell is making her gag, she cannot imagine what the taste would do; doesn't want to imagine; imagines it as horrible as possible. She tries to avoid eye contact. Blending in is crucial for events such as these. Too involved or too distant, and people notice you. And if they notice you, they notice what you do; more importantly what you don't do. Control is everything. Discipline, and tactic. 

This is a battle, my battle, and I will win it. They may take everything else, but I will win. It is all about strategy. How to move along the crowd, when to say what, at what speed, so they notice I am there, but never remember what I did. I have won this battle many times. It is the easiest part, after the battle with my mind. The hours spent training my mind and body, never resting, for the mind never rests. 

What is my worth? I am worth these hours of discipline. I am worth the self-denial of supposed pleasures. I am worth the discipline. They cannot understand. They think that I do not value myself. They think that I do not appreciate what is mine; what has been given me. They are wrong. I do value myself. That is why this battle must be won. I cannot lose; I refuse. 

Can she not see wherein true worth lies? Can she not see all the lies she feeds herself; it is all she feeds herself? What is her worth? She is worth more than what gold and silver could buy. She is worth all the stars in heaven, counted and named. She is worth smiles and care free laughter under the golden leaves of fall. She is worth the hugs and protective arms. She is worth the hot cocoa in front of a fire place. When will she see there is no battle to be won, other than that of truth over lie? True self worth. 

I have been detected, but I will be all right. They have noticed the lack of plate. No thank you, I already ate. The cocked eyebrow. How could anyone be suspicious? I have been so careful. My mind races, there must be some solution. I can win this battle, I will not fail. I never fail. I will succeed. This is the reason I wake up every morning. To face the challenge, to succeed. And I always succeed. It is my life source. I am worth this effort. My body deserves this adrenaline, this rush, this success, this control. 

What is her worth? When will she find her true worth lies in more than another battle won? When will she see that there is more to her than numbers and sizes? When will she see that there are other ways to measure success? When will she understand worth? 

I have failed. The room spins. I feel sick. Everything in me is revolted. I feel polluted, disgusting. Failure. I lost. I cannot believe it. My tactic failed, I had no choice. My cover was almost blown. How can I undo this damage? I lock the door and rest my head on the edge of my porcelain mirror. I have failed. There is only one way to salvage this. Failure is not an option. I will not subject myself to such a blow backwards. I am worth more than that. I deserve to win. I am worth more than this dirty feeling inside. I am worth more than that. Slowly, I raise my head and gaze into my mirror. My insides contract, they churn, everything in me is braced for what is about to happen. Slowly I raise my fingers and clench my eyes shut. I am worth this... I am worth it... 

When will she see where her true worth lies? When will she see she is worth more than this? When will she see that the porcelain reflection lies? 

What is her worth?